


Hidden In The Attic

by BambiRex



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Death, Don't @ Me, Don't Like Don't Read, F/F, Genderbending, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Memories, fem!queen, jimercuryweek2021, king!au, mostly based on mercury and me and phoebe's book with original twists ofc, so i'm not villainizing mary she really did all this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:21:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28998189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BambiRex/pseuds/BambiRex
Summary: Jane gets evicted from Garden Lodge, but before she leaves, she has to fulfill Freddie's last wish- and is forced to relive their shared memories in the process.
Relationships: Jim Hutton/Freddie Mercury
Comments: 12
Kudos: 12
Collections: JimercuryWeek2021





	Hidden In The Attic

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my entry to the Jimercury week! Inspired by that made-up fic title game on my tumblr (where I had to come up with a plot for the fictional title ''hidden in the attic"), here's a giant angst-fest. There will be a fluffier fic coming in a few days, I promise! Feedback is super appreciated, but only if it's not blind hatred.

To Jane, there were only a few things worse than being treated like a stranger in her own home. 

What used to be her home, anyway. Home… that word used to mean warmth, familiarity, safety. Now hearing it filled Jane with a painful yearning that couldn’t be quenched, not by these occasional, supervised visits where she felt like she was breaking into the same house that she spent the most beautiful years of her life at. She was thrown out, like an old clothing that didn’t fit anyone anymore, along with her friends. All the legal jargon that Miami tried to explain the situation away with wasn’t enough to make her understand- she was still just as confused, months after she first found out she will eventually have to leave.

She didn’t blame Freddie, not for a single second. Despite what many people thought, Freddie had her head in the right place. She was fully aware of the consequences of her actions, and Jane was sure her wife did the right thing. She just wasn’t prepared to be practically chased away on such a short notice.

Jane often wondered when it went wrong, what pegged the beginning of her relationship with Mark decaying like this. He seemed to be always fond of her, happy for his ex-fiancée to have found someone she could truly rely on- they weren’t extremely close, but their relationship was always amicable, at the least. Now, Jane could barely recognize him- he was so cold, standing with his arms crossed and barely sparing a glance at Jane. He changed by a snap of a finger after Freddie was gone, his warmth replaced by a silent cruelty that made the blood freeze in Jane’s veins. She wondered if these were his true colors, after all, something he meticulously hid all these years, or if losing Freddie twisted him inside out completely. She would probably never find out, especially considering Mark barely spoke more than a few words to her.

Her hand clutched the crumpled paper inside her pocket, fully aware of the watchful eyes on her. Garden Lodge started to resemble a fort rather than a house, nowadays, with a modern security system installed to keep everyone out- and Mark, like the prison guard, growled at anyone who dared coming near what he believed was rightfully his.

‘’I will be quick.” Jane promised, her back still turned to Mark. The sweat on her palm caused the paper to grow damp. She took in the sight of the bedroom before her, biting down on her lip hard enough to draw blood. The room was barely recognizable- the walls have been re-painted, the bed moved to a different corner. Her eyes lingered on the bed- the last place she saw Freddie at- and she swallowed against the lump seizing her throat.

Mark didn’t take his eyes off her for a second as she gathered the things she was allowed to take- some old clothes she left there, scattered belongings that didn’t even matter too much, but Jane happily took any opportunity to linger around. Tt was her very last time here, she believed, and it was better to make the most of it.

And there was something else she needed to do, before she left Garden Lodge behind for good.

‘’I need to go to the attic.” Jane said, squeezing the piece of paper until her knuckles turned white, the only anchor she could hold onto. She turned around and looked Mark in the eye, chin raised. His face was unreadable, his voice exasperated.

‘’Why?”

‘’I left some of my stuff up there.” Jane lied. She could only hope Mark hasn’t thrown or sold everything from there yet. Mark sighed, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

‘’I’m expecting guests, so you need to hurry.”

Jane nodded quickly, before brushing past him. She took one last glance at the familiar places, heart heavy as lead as she passed the kitchen that gave home to so many wonderful evenings, laughing together with their friends until they nearly passed out. Miko crawled out from the shadows, purring up at Jane. It was hard to fight back the tears. She wasn’t allowed to pet her, because Mark forbade anyone else touching the cats, for God knows why. It wasn’t easy to follow his line of thinking. She still blew a little kiss at the cat, like Freddie always did, hoping it was enough comfort for the confused, scared animal.

It was only a few more steps to the ladder, and Jane felt her heart race. She wasn’t sure what she would find up there, even less sure she could handle it. But she promised Freddie, and if there was something Jane could never do, was to deny her beautiful wife anything. She had to bite the bullet, for the both of them- because she was curious, as much as she was worried. Freddie was always full of surprises, even though she, herself, wasn’t all that fond of them.

‘’I’m heading to the attic now.” Jane whispered into thin air. Wherever Freddie was right now, she liked to think she heard Jane, that she looked out for her. It gave her a bit of comfort at last, something to hold onto on days when the pain was unbearable and the grief consumed her entirely.

A light breeze brushed her shoulder, and though the rational part of Jane’s brain knew it was only the product of that tiny hole in the roof that still hasn’t been fixed, she couldn’t help but smile: with her heart, she could tell it was Freddie giving her an encouraging little touch.

\--

The air was chilly and dusty, and Jane had to pull her jacket tighter around herself as she shivered. The fine dust filled her nostrils, and she sneezed. Good to know at least the attic has been avoided yet- the only place of Garden Lodge that hasn’t been defiled and picked apart.

She turned on her flashlight, taking careful steps forward. The floorboards creaked and whined under her weight. Everywhere she looked, she saw boxes stacked high, covered in dust and mold. She only needed to find one box, though.

Jane pulled out the letter, aiming her flashlight at the paper. She swallowed heavily as she remembered their conversation. Freddie was so weak by then, resting her weary head on Jane’s lap. Her voice was barely a whisper as she asked Jane to go to the attic after she died, because there’s something for her that she would be needing later. Jane told her not to be silly, she won’t die- even though she was perfectly aware that wasn’t true. Freddie just smiled, a little sadly, then handed her a piece of paper. A letter, in which she reminded Jane of what she had to do- because you’re always so forgetful, darling.

Jane couldn’t make herself do it after Freddie died. She spent most of her days in a dark haze, head not yet fully wrapped around the fact that the love of her life was gone forever. She wasn’t ready to face the memories just yet. Then, it was all a whirlwind, with the funeral, the confusion around the will, then having to move out. There was never a good time, especially because she wasn’t allowed to spend too much time around Garden Lodge now.

Now, that her time was up here, she finally gathered enough courage to fulfill Freddie’s last wish.

_Look for a small, pink box with flowers. It requires some digging._

Jane folded the paper again, stuffing it back in her pocket. Even seeing Freddie’s handwriting made tears well up in her eyes.

She sorted through the boxes, pushing them out of the way quickly. She disturbed a few mice in the process and caused a tornado of dust, but eventually, she was holding the aforementioned box in her hands.

She had never seen this one before. The box was gorgeously hand-painted with tiny, intricate florals, swirling in yellows, baby blues and whites. Jane ran her fingers across the petals. She was stilling, not ready to see what was inside. It will hurt, she was sure of it. It will cause more tears, more grief, like anytime she thought of what she lost. She could listen to King songs now, sort of- sobbing all the same, but at least she finished them now. She had a few days, here and there, when she wasn’t feeling completely miserable- then she saw something that reminded her of Freddie, and it was all over for her again.

But Freddie wanted this, she reminded herself. She specifically asked Jane to come up here and look for that box, making sure Jane wouldn’t forget by putting it in writing, even. It was important for Freddie, and it was important for Jane, too- it was time to face her fears.

She pried open the box, slowly lifting the lid. Her chest tightened as she peered inside, but she held herself together. Sitting down on the floor, she cradled the box in her lap and pulled out another letter, written on a slightly yellowed paper. Her fingers trembled as she unfolded it, the words dancing in front of her eyes.

_My darling,_

_I hope this letter finds you in good health- and that it finds you at all. This is so strange for me, to write to you like this. I almost babbled my secret out loud- you know what a gossip I am, I can just never keep anything to myself! But I figured this could help you more after I’m gone. By the time you’ll be reading this, you’ll be probably aware of what’s in my will, and what that means for you. I’m hoping Miami told you that I want you and my girls to stay as long as you like- Mark will be delighted to have your company, I’m sure of it._

_When you decide to move out, I want you to take everything you found in this box. These are a few of my things that I only want to share with you- no one else can see them. These are our things, yours and mine. A few memories, if you may. Now, I know what you’re probably thinking, as you’re reading this- who needs more memories and reminders? But these are different, Jane. You can always feel close to me with these in your possession- and, wherever I may end up, I’m sure I could feel you, too. As you will see, these are all very intimate- the pledges of our connection. I don’t want you to be sad. I want you to be happy, no matter where you are right now. I want you to remember me as someone who- hopefully- made you as happy as you made me. I want you to smile when you take these little trinkets, to cherish them fondly. Don’t show them to anyone- they might lose their magic!_

_I hope you have a long, calm, happy life ahead of you- I hope you will always remain close with Phoebe, Jenny and Mark, and my bandmates. I hope you will, eventually, find someone to love again. I hope you will have enough happiness and adventures to last for five lifetimes- so you will have plenty of juicy stories to tell, once we meet again!_

_Loving you forever,_

_Your Freddie_

A few teardrops landed on the paper. Jane let out a shaky breath, wiping at her eyes. Damn, Freddie- if she wanted her not to cry, she did a really bad job. Jane folded the paper carefully, then gently kissed the paper. Her sweet Freddie, always so full of hope and innocence- her letter have not found Jane in a very good state, and her life was pretty much falling apart. Freddie couldn’t have possibly known what’s going to happen once she wasn’t around to soothe the troubled waters. 

But for some reason, Jane didn’t feel bitter. She held the letter close to her heart, taking deep breaths. She could gather some of Freddie’s hopes and optimism- she could soak it all up, letting it fill her heart. Freddie handed these memories to her on a silver platter, to keep her moving on. And that’s what Jane was going to do. She will let the memories in, instead of pushing them away.

Hit by a new wave of determination, she reached into the box. She pulled out a thin necklace, with a ruby star-shaped pendant.

_‘’You don’t like it.” Jane said, feeling her heart drop down to her stomach. She practically barged into the jewelry store after spotting it in the display case, thinking that this would be the perfect gift for Freddie- she was a star, after all. The biggest, shiniest one of them all, who deserved all the finest things in life. But it appeared as if she didn’t find the necklace to her liking. She always teased Jane that she had really bad taste in jewelry, being a butch with no sense about these kind of things- she was probably right, after all._

_‘’Oh, it’s not that I don’t like it.” Freddie was quick to reply. She wrapped the golden chain around her finger, weighing it. ‘’It’s just… not really my style, you know.”_

_‘’I’m sorry.” Jane sighed. Freddie, upon seeing her distress, cupped her cheeks and cooed softly, like a mother comforting her child with a bruised knee._

_‘’Don’t be. I know you just wanted to make me happy.”_

_‘’You can throw it away, if you want to.” Jane said. She suddenly found the necklace very ugly herself- she wanted to chuck it out the window. ‘’Or give it to Phoebe. I don’t mind.”_

_Freddie shook her head. She smiled, caressing Jane’s cheek. The ruby was cold against her skin, but Freddie’s fingers were warm and soft._

_‘’No, it’s mine.” Freddie stated simply. ‘’I’m not throwing it away, and I’m not giving it to anyone, I’m keeping it.”_

_‘’But what is the point, if you won’t wear it?” Jane questioned. Freddie just shrugged, smile as sweet as honey._

_‘’I’m pretty sure I can find it a good use, eventually.” She replied. She flicked the little star playfully, watching as it dangled with fascination. ‘’Don’t you worry about that.”_

_She stood on the tips of her toes to kiss Jane- a habit of hers that Jane found amusing to no end, because she wasn’t all that taller than Freddie, but she knew how much Freddie enjoyed being small and delicate, even playing it up a little. She couldn’t help but smile against her lips, the ugly jewelry fiasco quickly forbidden._

‘’We have found it a use, after all.” Jane whispered with a smile. She ran her thumb across the small star lovingly, before reaching into the box to retrieve the next item. She nearly choked on her spit, blushing at the lacy white lingerie.

_When she met Freddie, Jane always thought she was overly confident, exactly like how she appeared on stage. She thought she was fully aware how gorgeous she was, with her small waist, long legs and plump breasts, a painting came to life._

_But Freddie stood before her so shyly, legs crossed and head hanging low, like she expected Jane to laugh at her any second._

_‘’I hope it’s not too much,” she whispered, ‘’I’m not as skinny as I once used to be…”_

_‘’Love,” Jane soothed her softly, placing her hands on her hips and squeezing them gently. She raked her eyes over Freddie’s body shamelessly. She never saw the same flaws that Freddie did: she always saw Freddie as the most beautiful thing that ever walked this Earth. And she was, God, but of course she was, the white lace standing out against her dark skin beautifully, simple but arousing, and Jane had a hard time remembering how to breathe. ‘’You’re so fucking beautiful. You drive me crazy.”_

_There was finally a cheeky glint in Freddie’s eyes, as she realized the adoration in Jane’s eyes was genuine. She cocked her hips, throwing her head back- Freddie Mercury from King entered the bedroom._

_‘’Yeah?”_

_‘’Yeah.” Jane smiled, running her palm across Freddie’s bum, caressing burning skin and soft material. ‘’I can’t wait to ravish you.”_

_Freddie grinned proudly, then squealed when Jane tackled her to the bed._

‘’Naughty.” Jane chuckled. She carefully laid the lingerie aside, rummaging through the box again. She carefully lifted a tiny, ragged, patched-up toy kitten.

_‘’I know it’s silly,” Freddie said, blushing profusely. ‘’You must think I’m childish.”_

_‘’I think it’s adorable.” Jane replied, and she was being perfectly honest. She found the old plush by accident, which caused Freddie to throw a mighty tantrum, snatching it out of Jane’s hands and clutching it against her chest tightly with tears in her eyes. Jane was surprised by the almost violent reaction. Freddie was very protective of her things, but this was clearly something different, something she held very dear._

_It turned out- after Freddie finally managed to calm down a bit-, that Freddie had that plushie since she was a kid. The kitten was her only bit of comfort on many occasions- the one she could hug when her own parents denied her the same affection. When she was lonely, and tired, and afraid, she had her little toy. Jane didn’t find it childish, at all- she found it beautiful, that Freddie had such a deep connection to that cat, and held it dear well into her adulthood._

_She found out Freddie had a hard time falling asleep, if the cat wasn’t with her- but Jane didn’t remember sharing her bed with a stuffed animal._

_‘’It’s different with you.” Freddie admitted, stroking the ragged fur shyly. ‘’I feel safe with you. I don’t even need the kitty by my side.”_

_Jane swore her heart grew several sizes inside her chest. This was a compliment so high, Jane couldn’t help but revel in it. To think that after so many years of pain and trauma, where a childhood toy was the only thing that could help, she, plain ole’ Jane Hutton turned out to be the rock Freddie could rely on, caused her heart to soar._

_‘’I’m glad to hear that.” Jane whispered, a little choked up. She placed her hand on Freddie’s, over the toy. ‘’Did you banish kitty because of me?”_

_‘’I didn’t banish her!” Freddie protested, causing Jane to laugh softly. ‘’She’s still close by, just… I might need you more.”_

_Jane quickly kissed Freddie before she had the chance to burst into tears._

Jane wanted to place kitty into the casket with Freddie- she knew how much she hated being alone, and kitty always helped- but Jane couldn’t find her anywhere (which caused her to break down completely), and so she had to resort to a teddy bear that Freddie received from a fan, hoping it would still do the job.

Now she knew why kitty was nowhere to be found on that day.

She smiled at a drawing of her that Freddie made. It was a picture of her weeding the garden, the cats swiveling around her feet.

_Freddie’s artistic skills never failed to amaze Jane. Whenever Freddie was drawing or painting, it was such a beautiful sight, Jane had to do a double take to make sure her wife was real. She was the perfect picture of concentration, eyebrows furrowed and tongue poking out from between her lips, lost in the magic of art._

_‘’What are you drawing?” Jane asked, wiping some sweat off her brow. Freddie needed a few seconds to tear herself away from the paper, looking up at Jane with a small smile at last._

_‘’You, silly!”_

_‘’Me?” Jane laughed. She thought Freddie was only sketching the flowers- they were in full bloom, adorning the huge garden. It would have made much more sense, than drawing her sweat-soaked wife._

_‘’Of course.” Freddie said simply. ‘’You’re so gorgeous, bending over like that.”_

_Jane rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t keep a fond smile off her face. If Freddie enjoyed the sight of her covered in sweat and dirt, then so be it._

Jane never saw the full drawing, until now. If she hadn’t known the story behind it, she would have been fooled and thought it was a photograph- Freddie captured every single tiny wrinkle, nook and cranny of her face, every angle of her body. Freddie’s affection towards her subject radiated from the picture: she found Jane incredibly attractive, and looking at that picture, Jane could almost understand why.

Her lips curled into a small smile when she took the tiny, pressed four-leaf clover into her hands- the same one she was so embarrassed giving to Freddie for her birthday.

_She felt so ridiculous- how could she be so stupid, thinking that a piece of plant will make Freddie happy!? Freddie, who deserved diamonds and caviar and fine silk, and had those things in her possession already?_

_Jane had no idea what to give her. Freddie literally had everything that someone could ever desire- and if she hadn’t own something already, she could get it in a heartbeat. What the Hell was she supposed to get someone, who had the whole world at her feet, and her house looked like a museum of unique artifacts?_

_Her hands were clammy and her stomach was twisting when she handed Freddie her gift, nervously anticipating the smile on Freddie’s face dimming. Instead, to her biggest surprise, that smile only grew wider. Freddie stared down at the little clover with so much awe, as if it was a treasure._

_‘’I love it!” She squealed, practically throwing herself into Jane’s arms and showering her cheeks in kisses, until Jane turned completely red. She twirled around, holding up the clover with a bright grin._

_‘’Look at it!” She chirped at the guests, flitting about the room like a little bird as she proudly showed off her gift to everyone. ‘’My wife gave this to me!”_

_Jane stood in the back, jaw hanging open as she watched Freddie being so genuinely happy over such a small, cheap gift._

‘’Your lucky clover,” Jane smiled, laying it on her palm carefully. ‘’I wondered where you put it.”

The last item caused her heart to twist, just for a second, before she smiled again. She opened the baby name book, flipping through the pages.

_‘’Would you ever want kids?” Freddie asked when they were watching tv on a quiet evening, her head in Jane’s lap. Jane massaged her scalp gently, and Freddie purred like her beloved cats._

_‘’I don’t think so. I’m not sure.” Jane hummed. It was a strange topic, that of kids. Did she like kids? They were sweet, for sure. Would she like one of her own? That was some muddy water of a question. She would have lied, if she said she sometimes didn’t imagine it- her and Freddie, and their children. A happy little family, that they weren’t allowed to have._

_‘’What about you?”_

_‘’I think I’d rather have another cat.” Freddie chuckled. Then, more seriously, she continued. ‘’Children are lovely, but they are a lot of work. Maybe… oh, it’s silly.”_

_‘’Tell me.”_

_‘’Well…hypothetically speaking, I love the idea of having kids. Just imagining it, so it’s only in my head. Not like we could actually have a family. Imagine what the people would say!”_

_‘’They would say we are corrupting those children.” Jane said with a sad smile. ‘’That we aren’t mother-material.”_

_‘’I have a book with baby names.” Freddie suddenly blurted out, causing Jane to chuckle._

_‘’What?”_

_‘’Just because.” Freddie laughed awkwardly. She twisted a lock of hair around her finger, fiddling with it. ‘’I don’t know, I just like looking at the different names.”_

_‘’For our hypothetical baby.” Jane smiled warmly. ‘’In an alternative dimension.”_

_Freddie laughed heartily. She twisted herself out of Jane’s lap, rummaging through her closet. She returned to the sofa with a book that had a smiling baby on the cover._

_They spent the day browsing names, laughing at the most ridiculous ones, and coming up with silly nicknames for them. They never mentioned again that longing look they gave each other over the book._

Jane sighed softly. She always wondered if them not wanting kids was more of a product of those psychological walls they put up to prevent themselves from the harsh reality- that their relationship didn’t exist in the eye of the government, and that their family can only be hypothetical. Maybe it was just like how an upset teenager rebelled against the rules, a stubborn yell of ‘’well, I can’t have it? Fuck you, I don’t even want it!”

It was something they both locked inside- it remained their little secret, forever. Jane smiled sadly, and put the book down.

She sat back on her haunches, letting the tears stream down her face. She found herself smiling through them, her heart warm and soft inside her chest as she hugged all those little trinkets close to her. For the first time since Freddie died, she found solace and happiness in thinking about her, instead of despair and grief. She fulfilled Freddie’s wish, but that wish wasn’t really about collecting her stuff from the attic: Freddie’s true wish was for Jane to be happy, and this was the first step towards achieving that. Because whatever may come next, Jane had these memories- happy, sweet ones, that she shared with her wife. No one could take those away from her.

She wasn’t allowed to take pictures with her, Mark didn’t let her- but Freddie found a loophole by hiding this box in the attic, where Mark didn’t find it. Who knows, maybe Freddie did sense something before she died, or this was just fate finally standing by Jane. Or, it was the lucky clover, hidden inside that box, bringing her luck like it was supposed to.

In the past few months, Jane’s life turned upside down- the love of her life died in her arms, and she was thrown out of her home. Every single day was a blur of sadness, hurt and uncertainty- but she could finally see a bit of light in the darkness, thanks to Freddie. She always knew how to make Jane feel better.

These memories belonged to her and Freddie- the pledges of their connection, just as Freddie said. Six little objects for the six beautiful years Jane spent by Freddie’s side, each one remarkable and special to her. Their connection didn’t fade by Freddie’s passing, and that box was the perfect testament of that.

‘’I love you, Freddie.” Jane whispered to the air, smiling brightly. She put everything back in the box, then stuffed it inside her bag, stashing it away under her clothes.

She left with a huge smile on her face, and happiness in her heart, at last.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr @bambirexwrites!


End file.
